Some Current Events

In case anyone has an insulated house that they haven’t left for the past few days, or if they have an incredible amount of body hair, I’d like to make it clear that it’s been FREEZING IN BURLINGTON. It’s been absolutely, blood-chillingly, cryogenic levels of cold out there, and the stunning thing is that, comparably, this is not even that bad. Global Warming’s made us all soft.

In fact, according to the NOAA, the most recent year that Burlington was the coldest it’s ever been was in 1979. 1979. That was over 30 years ago.

So we can’t be blamed for being wimps. We’re young; we don’t remember when it was so cold that you couldn’t step outside without being frozen in place. Our winter last year was one of the warmest on record! Until last month, it had been a year and half since a month hadn’t been above average temperatures. Our blood has effectively thinned.

But this year, it’s going to be cold. According to the Farmer’s Almanac it’s going to be colder than usual, drier, and have less snow. So it’s basically just going to suck. If you’re hyperventilating right now at the prospect of having to warm yourself, check out these lifehacks that can help. Drink lots of tea and hot chocolate. Be active. We’ll get through this together.

But I do want to give one last important word of advice, and that is that if you lose your clothes at the naked bike ride, the dorms will not let you back inside. So make sure you hold onto those, or have someone you trust hold them, or have someone you trust where layers that you can then borrow. Please, please don’t get stuck outside. It’s making me cold just thinking about it.