YE OLDE BABBLES OF BEAST

Beautyful portraits of ye olde majestique animals, desecrated with nonsense.

Flirty Bertie tries to get laid: Issue II

Flirty Bertie is back! Enjoy.

By Shannon Ward

I now present.... BEAST BABBLE!!!

Beautiful pictures of majestic creatures....
desecrated by inane babble!




(click on the expand button in the right hand corner to see the comic in it's full glory!)

3 (and a half) BLOGS TO CHECK OUT

1. MITT AND ROB: This tumblr takes the spleen sprainingly hilarious @MittRomney tweets of stand up comedian and twitter overlord Rob Delaney and makes corresponding illustrations. The comedic genius of this blog is many faceted. First, the tweets themselves are prime material for hilarious imagery. Like, how can you read this:

without picturing something so bizarre and off-putting as to make you laugh through the queasiness?

Every picture shows Delaney (with only a green speedo on his outrageously hairy body, of course!) tagging along with Mitt on his campaign trail. The pictures sometimes correspond directly with the content of his tweet, for example this is the picture for the aforementioned tweet:

What I like about this artist is that they don’t always concern themselves with drawing literal interpretations of Delaney’s bizarre thoughts. Sometimes the tweets are just set to random pictures of the two of them together on the campaign trail, such as this one:

I like this because it’s funny to think of Delaney, a very funny yet very progressive and intellectual human being, wandering through the clusterfuck that is Romney’s campaign alongside him.

(Actually, upon reflection, Romney getting advice from an irreverent weirdo with a liberal agenda may actually explain a shitton about his campaign strategy. I mean, how else would he have thought getting a spray tan to meet Latino voters was anything other than a seriously misguided decision? Think about it.)

2. MEME-Y BLOGS

This next recommendation is not actually a single blog but a number of blogs with a similar concept. The internet is nothing if not redundant, and these blogs all show there is beauty and humor to be found in repetition. There is a genre of blogs that devote themselves to a single meme by adding a single picture (or gif) in other pictures. While it might seem silly, there is a tremendous amount of creativity in choosing a picture that would be an appropriate background.

Some of my favorites of these include these two:

• Mo Farah Running Away From Things
• Lana Del Rey Dancing

But my all time favorite of these HAS to be One Tiny Hand.

Such finesse! A concept that is truly elegant in it’s simplicity! Take photos of celebrities and shrink one of their hands! It creates pictures that are just the perfect amount of WTF that you may not immediately notice what’s wrong with the pictures. It has the added bonus of making even the most cool, beautiful, and graceful celebrities look totally ridiculous. Look at this picture of the president:

Although the concept is always the same (it’s never a tiny foot or tiny nose) the altered pictures throw me off guard and make me giggle every time.

3. I TOUCHED YOUR DRIFTWOOD

Before you freak out, that’s not a link to a marine themed porn blog. The creator of ITYD started this blog when they found a lost digital camera on the beach of Montauk NY. There were a bunch of pictures of a group of 20 something’s aquatic vacation. The pictures themselves were a banal combination of group selfies, but the author of this blog decided to invent characters for each of the members of the photos (with ridiculous names like “Peaches” and “Sarlaac”) and label each photo with rather lengthy descriptions. The camera had a ton of photos, of which the author added several per day.

Don’t get too excited though. The blog exploded in popularity, and someone was able to locate whom the camera belonged to. Unfortunately for us, the owner of the camera was less then enamored with their pictures being made fun of by a stranger and viewed by over 50000 other strangers on the internet (who knew?). The original photos are not up anymore, but you can see the remnants of the blogs former glory. Someone sent the author a SD card of another lost digital camera to have them help find its owner. I’m hoping this becomes a trend and the creative and funny author is given even more material to work with. If you or anyone you know found a lost camera that you don’t know what to do with, this is a viable solution! If not, enjoy what the blog offers and spread the word.

AND THE HALF

I did not really feel right including this website as an actual entry on this list, because I’m not sure the format constitutes a blog. It’s a compilation video site called Wimp that is updated with 5 new videos every day. The videos vary in length from seconds to 30 minutes, but they are all AWESOME and fairly obscure (yay hipsters!). But seriously, these videos come from all over the world, and range in content from hilarious and inane to breathtakingly beautiful. There are videos about all topics, including clips from really informative science/technology documentaries or just cute videos of cats.

There have been many videos I’ve seen on Wimp that I can’t even find on Youtube or Google video (but all the videos are embedded on Wimp itself so it’s not taking you to sketchy/dangerous websites). It’s a great site to check everyday or to just go on once in a while and watch a ton at once (it keeps everything all former posts archived). It also has a search bar to find videos from a specific topic or to find one you saw before. This may seem like a basic aspect of any website, but I frequent some websites where finding something you saw on the site hours ago is an impossible task (I’M LOOKING AT YOU REDDIT!)

So blog or not, definitely worth checking out.

THE ONLY THING

more off-putting then having to constantly degrade myself by proving I'm a human when commenting on blogs is knowing that it is someones job to write/code them (and presumably photograph random numbers). My deepest sympathies.

GRANT ME YOUR WISDOM, INTERWEB FOLK

So I am also creating a webcomic, but unfortunately I lack any of Shannon's artistic skill. Luckily opportunity presented itself in the form of about 600 fantastic and beautiful photographs of animals taken by a friend of mine while she was studying abroad in Botswana. Thus, Beast Babble was created.

This is a very rough first draft of my first comic. It certainly needs a lot of improvement but being as aesthetically hindered as I am, I would greatly appreciate some advice as to how to go about editing it!

Please don't hold back. Make me cry if you have to. tell me it's stupid. tell me it's ugly. tell me it looks like I vomited all over pictures of beautiful creatures. My grades on the line for this.




For some reason Pixton changed altered the format and I can't figure out how to have it publish correctly at this time so here's the link.

Flirty Bertie tries to get laid

So, for my class, I'm supposed to make a web comic. This is the first in a series to come. So without further ado I give you: Flirty Bertie tries to get laid. 

By Shannon Ward

The Hobbit Trilogy: Ideas for Space-Fillers

There’s this trend right now of making two movies out of one book. Boy wizards, murderous teens, and sparkly boyfriends are all over this craze. So the makers of the Lord of the Rings came along and, not to be outdone, decided to make THREE movies out of one book. One 250-page book. Three FULL LENGTH movies. So, since Peter Jackson is attempting the near impossible task of spreading out a 2-ounce book into nine hours of cinematic majesty, he’s going to have some time to kill. I, being the film production genius that I am, have compiled a list of ideas of things that Peter Jackson can do to fill the time he has promised the world he would take up.

1.    A lot of really long panning shots of New Zealand. You know in Family Guy when he fights that chicken, and it goes on for a super long time, and you start to just feel really uncomfortable, and you just wish it will end, and then it starts to be funny again, and then eventually you start questioning your place in the world, and the meaning of life, and by the end of it you’ve achieved enlightenment? That’s what I want except with some hills.

            2. Repetition of names. There are thirteen dwarves who travel with Bilbo to the Misty Mountain. Their names are Thorin Oakenshield, Fili, Kili, Oin, Gloin, Ori, Dori, Nori, Bifor, Bofur, Bombur, Balin, and Dwalin. I want, by the end of the trilogy, to not only be able to remember all of those names off the top of my head, but to be able to distinguish which name belongs to which dwarf. This is your charge, Peter Jackson. Make it happen. Maybe include a scene where they all play a name game.

          3. Riddles that weren’t in the book. Anyone who is familiar with The Hobbit knows that arguably the most famous chapter of the book is “Riddles in the Dark,” in which Bilbo and Gollum play a riddle game in order to determine if Bilbo will be allowed to live, or if Gollum will eat him on site. And while Gollum’s acting like a Middle-Earth version of Two-Face, and Bilbo’s trembling in his metaphorical boots, some fantastic riddles are being thrown around. I, for one, know almost all of them by heart, as they are the riddles that I whip out if ever I’ve landed myself in a battle of wits, but I’ve found that some of the riddles do not always read well with a modern audience. Perhaps, to be more relatable, Gollum should cry out, “What was I doing last night? YOUR MOM!” and Bilbo will retort with “Yeah, well…fuck……fuck you.” These are the sorts of riddles that the brain of the modern audience can handle.

            4. The darker side of long-distance travel. Bilbo and his dwarf friends are going on a journey. On foot. No cars. No hotels. No 24-hour Denny’s to stop and get an omelet any time they’re feeling peckish. They’re roughin’ it. And since there is going to be so much extra time to fill, I’m hoping we get a deep and disturbing look into exactly what “roughin’ it” truly means. I want to see what happens when they hit day 108 of not showering, or when Bombur gets food poisoning from a poorly cooked squirrel, or when the sexual tension within the group can no longer be ignored. Go on, Jackson. Surprise us. 

           5. Montages. The makers of the Twilight Saga faced similar time-filling difficulties when they stretched out Breaking Dawn into two hellish movies, and their brilliant strategy was to include as many stupid, ridiculous, painfully long montages as possible. So you can take a leaf out of Twilight’s book and add a series of clips of Bilbo touching his face in awed wonderment, or of Gandalf running through the woods in an emo temper tantrum. Your choice.

           6. Seventy-four false endings. You’ve done it before, P. Jacks. You can certainly do it again. Have Bilbo wish goodbye to each of the dwarves in turn, and then realize it wasn’t enough, and have him wish goodbye again, except now with prepared speeches specific to each of them. Have this scene take place at the Misty Mountain, then in Rivendell, then in the Shire. Have Bilbo then sit down to record his adventures, then look up ponderously and go for a walk. He meets Gandalf. They share a meaningful look. No words are spoken. They move on. Then they come back and words are spoken. Then Bilbo goes out for some drinks. He comes home. He makes some toast. He eats it. All this time, Howard Shore is tearing at our heart strings with the sentimental, nostalgic music, that will swell at random parts, making us think the credits are coming soon, then come back down, and crush our dreams with a new modulation. This is child's play, Pete. You got this.

       7. All of the songs. There are so many songs in The Hobbit! SO MANY. And everyone knows that musicals are longer than non-musicals. My Fair Lady is three hours long for Christ’s sake. All you have to do to add some time is throw in a full music and dance number any time there’s a song in the book. And then maybe add in a couple that aren’t in the book. Kind of go for a Moulin Rouge feel. Yes. This is a good idea.

       8. Back stories for every single character. There about a million and a half characters in Tolkien’s Middle-Earth, and some of them are only present for one scene or maybe even one line, and some of them are just mentioned by other characters but are never actually seen. But that does not mean that each one does not have a rich story to tell, and this movie can be their opportunity.

             9. Any time any character says another character’s name; they use their full title. Bilbo Baggins son of Bungo. Thorin Oakenshield. Gandalf the Grey. Fili the Financially Responsible. Bifor the Bicurious. Dwalin the Douche-bag. Be creative with it! Once you’ve assigned all the characters titles like these it will take forever for anyone to talk to anybody. Mission accomplished!

      10. Hint at a little scene at the end of the full credits (but then never actually have one). This new fad of having little important scenes after the end credits means that people actually stay and sit through the ENTIRE thing. They see EVERYONE’S name. And if that can’t make a movie feel like it’s hella longer than it actually is, I don’t know what can. You could probably get away with a 35-minute film that took 75,000,000 people to make, and, granted the audience sat through the hour and a half of credits, they would not feel shortchanged. So, lightly hint that there’s a scene at the end. When there isn’t, people will just assume they heard wrong, then leave and tell all their friends about the wonderful full-length movie they just saw. You will have successfully messed with their heads, you crazy mofo!

So, I really hope you take this advice to heart, PJ. With these ten simple tips, you can stick to your guns and make three long-ass movies out of a book that’s as thick as a slice of bread.

Movie Magic.

ALL YOU TWATS OUT THERE

Please follow this twitter. This kid just posts pictures of himself eating anything (and everything) in the shower. It's hilarious. If he gets over 20,000 followers he will post a normal picture of himself. Let's make it happen.

Let us not mourn

Last week brought some sad news for romance and comedy lovers alike. Will Arnett and Amy Poehler announced plans to divorce after nine years of marriage.

I normally don’t like when people get all riled up about celebrity divorces, but this split is particularly sad because of how well these two comedic genius’ worked together. Representatives of both comedians said that the divorce was amicable, and many have expressed a hope that this would not affect the two’s working relationship.

The news of this divorce upset me not because I am under the delusion that it somehow affects me, but because I had so much respect for both these actors and appreciated their collaborations. As such, I will not use this post as a lamentation about the awfulness of divorce, a speculation of why it could have happened, or an emotional rant as if I am somehow apart of this couples union.

Instead, I shall use this post to revisit and rejoice in the work they have done together, while trying to include videos as much as possible. And what better way to compile a collection of wonderful comedy moments than in a list?

So here’s my top 10 favorite (in no particular order)
Wamy Poehlnett moments:


1. HOW THEY MET


2. POWER OF COMEDY- In November 2011, Poehler was awarded at the annual Power of Comedy event to recognize her contributions to comedy. This video not only features other comedians raving about Poehler’s talent, but includes a clip of an interview with the couple claiming their two son’s are the funniest members of their household. D’awwwwwwwww!


3. THIS PICTURE

4. THIS GIF


5. PARKS AND REC- Arnett guest starred on the second season of Poehler’s hit sitcom “Parks and Recreation” as an arrogant MRI technician who goes on a blind date with Poehler’s character Leslie. The date escalates horribly till Leslie actually gets an MRI while being asked creepy questions by Arnett’s character. You can watch the full episode (and series) if you haven’t already on Netflix, but here’s a link to youtube video of an extended cut. (Watch how hard it is for the two to keep from cracking up!)


6. WEBBY AWARDS- Arnett and Arrested Development cast member Jason Bateman Poehler with a Webby award for Best Actress in a new series. Hilarity ensues with some teleprompter confusion between the two on-screen brothers.


7. 2011 EMMY’S- Arnett takes over for Ryan Seacrest to interview his wife.


8. THIS PICTURE

9. BLADES OF GLORY- In 2002, the couple starred in Blades of Glory as the evil incestuous brother and sister skating duo.

10. LAST AND MOST IMPORTANTLY- Arrested Development. Poehler starred in five episodes of Arnetts sitcom (and arguably the best television series… uh, ever) as Arnett’s character’s, Gob, wife. Their characters did not know each other well (in fact, Gob never even learns the name of his wife) but got married as a result of some escalading dares. Their marriage, like the marriage of the actors who play them, eventually ends, but not without some outlandish antics that were worth whatever end was met. They did not make a huge mistake.

This just in: Seth Meyers funny, human

The name “Seth” once belonged to the evil god of storms, deserts, and foreigners in ancient Egyptian culture.

For reals.

I know this tidbit from various classes and professors etc etc I go to college no big deal etc etc, but I’ve started to wonder if the evil demon Seth is not still living among us. Because I got to see Seth Meyers last week, and it felt like it took place in the seventh circle of Hell.

What I mean is that I witnessed a very funny standup routine performed in Satan’s armpit. That’s right, folks. It was hot as a jogger’s balls in the Patrick Gymnasium. As a place specifically designed for intense physical activity, it seems like getting a little air in there would really serve the athlete’s well. “Hey dude, want to play some B-Ball?” “Sure, brah! Let’s go to that court that feels like we’re in a feverish dog’s mouth! My ass sweat reaching my ankles really helps me bring my A-game.”

But other than the rancid sweltering fumes of the sweaty masses, the show was undeniably a success. Seth was consistently hilarious, and consistently attractive, which only served to make the room feel, if possible, even more like the inside of a hot pocket on Mars.

But what I really actually appreciated was how clean his show was. Believe me, I am all for the well-placed raunchy comment now and then. I’m even all for the ill-placed raunchy comment all the time, but I can really respect someone’s talent when they do away with the politically incorrect and/or disgusting sexual humor crutch.

You go, Seth Meyers! Your entertaining performance has proven to me that you are not the god of deserts and foreigners. But if you are, I am very sorry if I offended you.

Please don’t curse me.

Comedian Showcase: John Mulaney

The best word to describe stand-up comedian and writer John Mulaney’s unique yet relatable brand of humor is “bemusement”. Mulaney’s ability to experience life with a sense of detached, and at times derisive, delight allows him to find humor in the banal and the ordinary.


You may never have heard of Mulaney, but if you’ve watched Saturday Night Live since 2008, you’re familiar with his work.


In fact, consistent fans of Weekend Update owe much to this fine gentleman. Not only has Mulaney himself featured in segments called “I Love It”, he is also the mastermind behind the infamous Bill Hader character, Stefon, the hilariously awkward gay club rat who is as hopeless at offering travel advice to normal American families as he is hopelessly in love with Update Anchor Seth Meyers. Mulaney based the character of Stefon on a bizarre acquaintance who was trying to open a club.

Mulaney is not only responsible for the Stefon’s outlandish lines (ex. “you’ll have your own Harry met Sally moment when you share a special kiss with GIZMO! The coked-up gremlin!”). Hader claims his at this point ritual outbursts of laughter (or “breaks” as it is referred to in the comedy community) are due to Mulaney’s tendency to change his lines directly before Hader is preparing to get on stage. Mulaney confirmed this, saying he loves putting new jokes on the cue cards, because he thinks it’s funny to see his friend lose control on the air.


Mulaney is not only a master of behind the scenes comedy, but is an extremely engaging performer in his own right. He has so far produced two full-length stand-up specials, The Top Part (2009) and New in Town (2012). Both specials contain a mix of personal anecdotes, cultural commentary, and a slew of somewhat off-beat cultural references. There is consistency between the two; for instance, in The Top Part, Mulaney discusses about his disconcerting habit of going out drinking, blacking out, and then waking up with more money than he started his night with (“This means that I made money, in the exchange of goods and/or services”). Three years later in New in Town, he provides a few more anecdotes to explain why he quit drinking (“I used to drink too much, and I would black out and I would ‘ruin parties’).


My personal favorite of Mulaney’s standup bits has got to be The Xanax Story. This bit represents the pinnacle of Mulaney’s ability to tell a story that pulls listeners into the absurdity of his world and leave them breathless with laughter. I won’t butcher the tale with paraphrasing, but the gist of it is a quest to get a Xanax prescription from a health clinic leads to some unwanted medical procedures accompanied by a male nurse named “Batman”.


To enjoy more John Mulaney and the fantastic projects he has been a part of, please visit his website, IMBD page, and twitter.

Who ARE you?

Hey there. I’m Shannon. And I want to start this whole blog-ball rolling by making it very clear that I am writing this as a class assignment. That means that a lot more rides on this for me than just the hope that a few people will read this and like it. My grade is at stake. My degree is at stake. In the early hours of the mornings I’ve been awaking in a cold sweat from nightmares of the dean snatching away my bachelor’s with a sneer. Or a snicker. Or maybe just a scowl. I’m not actually sure what my dean looks like so I can’t picture what expression would suit his face best. Or her face.

I need to get more involved in my school.

So, this blog will basically be humorous ramblings of a sleep-deprived college student. I love movies, so there’ll be some reviews. I like books, so there’ll be some reports. I like good grades, so there’ll be a substantial post at least once a week.

And I’d really like to say that I know exactly who my audience here is. I was expecting to really only be writing for my professor, my classmates, and any friends who would potentially be interested in what I have to say. But I’m afraid that my assumptions might be off. Because in the past few days, when this blog has only consisted of a four sentence post, this page has gotten almost ONE HUNDRED views. Who are you people? Is the internet that uninteresting? I mean, I’m flattered, but, Jeez. That threw me for a loop. I now have no IDEA who’s reading this.

So you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to just write. I’m going to write about myself, I’m going to write about media, I’m going to write about severe funny things.

So, until next week. Here’s hoping the internet churns out some more items of note. I’m not sure I could handle going viral.