The Hobbit Trilogy: Ideas for Space-Fillers

There’s this trend right now of making two movies out of one book. Boy wizards, murderous teens, and sparkly boyfriends are all over this craze. So the makers of the Lord of the Rings came along and, not to be outdone, decided to make THREE movies out of one book. One 250-page book. Three FULL LENGTH movies. So, since Peter Jackson is attempting the near impossible task of spreading out a 2-ounce book into nine hours of cinematic majesty, he’s going to have some time to kill. I, being the film production genius that I am, have compiled a list of ideas of things that Peter Jackson can do to fill the time he has promised the world he would take up.

1.    A lot of really long panning shots of New Zealand. You know in Family Guy when he fights that chicken, and it goes on for a super long time, and you start to just feel really uncomfortable, and you just wish it will end, and then it starts to be funny again, and then eventually you start questioning your place in the world, and the meaning of life, and by the end of it you’ve achieved enlightenment? That’s what I want except with some hills.

            2. Repetition of names. There are thirteen dwarves who travel with Bilbo to the Misty Mountain. Their names are Thorin Oakenshield, Fili, Kili, Oin, Gloin, Ori, Dori, Nori, Bifor, Bofur, Bombur, Balin, and Dwalin. I want, by the end of the trilogy, to not only be able to remember all of those names off the top of my head, but to be able to distinguish which name belongs to which dwarf. This is your charge, Peter Jackson. Make it happen. Maybe include a scene where they all play a name game.

          3. Riddles that weren’t in the book. Anyone who is familiar with The Hobbit knows that arguably the most famous chapter of the book is “Riddles in the Dark,” in which Bilbo and Gollum play a riddle game in order to determine if Bilbo will be allowed to live, or if Gollum will eat him on site. And while Gollum’s acting like a Middle-Earth version of Two-Face, and Bilbo’s trembling in his metaphorical boots, some fantastic riddles are being thrown around. I, for one, know almost all of them by heart, as they are the riddles that I whip out if ever I’ve landed myself in a battle of wits, but I’ve found that some of the riddles do not always read well with a modern audience. Perhaps, to be more relatable, Gollum should cry out, “What was I doing last night? YOUR MOM!” and Bilbo will retort with “Yeah, well…fuck……fuck you.” These are the sorts of riddles that the brain of the modern audience can handle.

            4. The darker side of long-distance travel. Bilbo and his dwarf friends are going on a journey. On foot. No cars. No hotels. No 24-hour Denny’s to stop and get an omelet any time they’re feeling peckish. They’re roughin’ it. And since there is going to be so much extra time to fill, I’m hoping we get a deep and disturbing look into exactly what “roughin’ it” truly means. I want to see what happens when they hit day 108 of not showering, or when Bombur gets food poisoning from a poorly cooked squirrel, or when the sexual tension within the group can no longer be ignored. Go on, Jackson. Surprise us. 

           5. Montages. The makers of the Twilight Saga faced similar time-filling difficulties when they stretched out Breaking Dawn into two hellish movies, and their brilliant strategy was to include as many stupid, ridiculous, painfully long montages as possible. So you can take a leaf out of Twilight’s book and add a series of clips of Bilbo touching his face in awed wonderment, or of Gandalf running through the woods in an emo temper tantrum. Your choice.

           6. Seventy-four false endings. You’ve done it before, P. Jacks. You can certainly do it again. Have Bilbo wish goodbye to each of the dwarves in turn, and then realize it wasn’t enough, and have him wish goodbye again, except now with prepared speeches specific to each of them. Have this scene take place at the Misty Mountain, then in Rivendell, then in the Shire. Have Bilbo then sit down to record his adventures, then look up ponderously and go for a walk. He meets Gandalf. They share a meaningful look. No words are spoken. They move on. Then they come back and words are spoken. Then Bilbo goes out for some drinks. He comes home. He makes some toast. He eats it. All this time, Howard Shore is tearing at our heart strings with the sentimental, nostalgic music, that will swell at random parts, making us think the credits are coming soon, then come back down, and crush our dreams with a new modulation. This is child's play, Pete. You got this.

       7. All of the songs. There are so many songs in The Hobbit! SO MANY. And everyone knows that musicals are longer than non-musicals. My Fair Lady is three hours long for Christ’s sake. All you have to do to add some time is throw in a full music and dance number any time there’s a song in the book. And then maybe add in a couple that aren’t in the book. Kind of go for a Moulin Rouge feel. Yes. This is a good idea.

       8. Back stories for every single character. There about a million and a half characters in Tolkien’s Middle-Earth, and some of them are only present for one scene or maybe even one line, and some of them are just mentioned by other characters but are never actually seen. But that does not mean that each one does not have a rich story to tell, and this movie can be their opportunity.

             9. Any time any character says another character’s name; they use their full title. Bilbo Baggins son of Bungo. Thorin Oakenshield. Gandalf the Grey. Fili the Financially Responsible. Bifor the Bicurious. Dwalin the Douche-bag. Be creative with it! Once you’ve assigned all the characters titles like these it will take forever for anyone to talk to anybody. Mission accomplished!

      10. Hint at a little scene at the end of the full credits (but then never actually have one). This new fad of having little important scenes after the end credits means that people actually stay and sit through the ENTIRE thing. They see EVERYONE’S name. And if that can’t make a movie feel like it’s hella longer than it actually is, I don’t know what can. You could probably get away with a 35-minute film that took 75,000,000 people to make, and, granted the audience sat through the hour and a half of credits, they would not feel shortchanged. So, lightly hint that there’s a scene at the end. When there isn’t, people will just assume they heard wrong, then leave and tell all their friends about the wonderful full-length movie they just saw. You will have successfully messed with their heads, you crazy mofo!

So, I really hope you take this advice to heart, PJ. With these ten simple tips, you can stick to your guns and make three long-ass movies out of a book that’s as thick as a slice of bread.

Movie Magic.